http://mats.gmd.de/~steffi/madcow/madcow.htm
http://members.tripod.com/~andybauch/trick.html
Try this out it's freaky!!!!! There is a trick to
it, can you figure it out. It took me 2 tries
after the initial shock of the first try.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had
an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they
decided to drive up to Charlottesville to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time...however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They
explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but unfortunately they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final
the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple
about free radical formation.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this
is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University
of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers,
grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of
California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated
from the University of Texas and they taught us not to pee on our hands.
Find the 9 people in the picture!!
If you find 6, you have an ordinary power of observation.
Find 7, you have above average power of observation.
Find 8, you are very observant. Congratulate yourself.
Find 9, you are extremely observant. Very intuitive and creative.
You can rival the observant power
of Sherlock Holmes
No knock rule |
|
OKLAHOMA CITY - Did you
know your home could be invaded, not by criminals - but by cops. A controversial measure
is in the works to allow police officers to enter your home without knocking.
|
|
| Subject: From: Host: Date: |
no knock rule ammendment John Bull abd07abc.ipt.aol.com Tue Apr 20 22:54:18 Pacific Time |
I think there should be an addition called the hot wife and daughter rule. In this case police could kick in bathroom doors without knocking if a good looking woman is potentially naked inside. This would give police more freedom as well. |
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the
bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here,
are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' heck do you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' heck is a
taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys,
he's one of us!"
for Windows 95:
Windows95 (noun): 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit
patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition."
read on...
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to
access the building using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will
receive their cards in two weeks. (This was from Fred
Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Wa.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems
we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our
stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things
that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem
in one day! We've been working on it for months.
Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you
know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page
proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the
disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it.
The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people
doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix
Corporation)
9. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and
her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to
miss work on the busiest day of the year. He
then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping
executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but
the company is not going to discuss it with the
employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Lone Lines
Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management
saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be
issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status
report to him concerning a project I was working on.
I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said
"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager,
Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
13. Speaking the Same Language: As director of
communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and materials. In the
body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
"pedagogical approach" used by one of the training
manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR director's
office, and told that the executive vice president
wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked
why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"
working in her company. Finally he showed me her
copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and
the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager
was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word
up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the
definition to send back to her, he told me not to
worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a
memo to the entire staff came out - directing us
that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words
together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a
nationally-circulated memo from a large communications
company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to
promote constant attention on current procedures of
transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative
ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of
quality!" (Lucent Technologies)
Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to
the bar and announces: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender: How much for a beer?
The bartender replies:
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other:
Are you all right? - No, I lost an electron! - Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm positive!
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why aren't fishmongers generous? Their business makes them selfish.
Or how about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch?
Math and alcohol do not mix, so don't drink and derive!
Twin brothers, one named Emal and the other Juan, grew up and moved out of the country. A year later, their mother receives from Juan a letter and picture of himself. His mother sighs and mentions she wishes she had a picture from Emal as well. 'Why,' replies her husband, 'if you've seen Juan, you've seen Emal.'
Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.
A little village of Trids (like Smurfs only green) had built their water well on the top of a hill. An evil troll took over the hill and wouldn't let the Trids get any water. Every Trid that went up the hill was kicked down by the troll. Frustrated, the Trids asked the local Rabbi for help. He climbed the hill and got the water without any trouble from the troll. When he went back up the hill he asked the troll why he had not kicked him down the hill. The troll replied: Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
More Word Play
1. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in
France? Linoleum blownapart.
2. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as
Dogless Fairbanks.
3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.
4. A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor
says, "Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to the grocery store
and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath.
The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?"
"Nah," the man replied "Up to my chin should do it."
5. What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman
barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
7. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both
crews were marooned.
8. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a
fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the
chip monk.
COLLEGESTUDENT.COM'S NEWS OF THE WEIRD
============================================================================
<> In July, the director of Brookhaven National Laboratory on Long Island,
N.Y., finally got around to forming a committee of physicists to explore
whether the lab's replication of the world-forming Big Bang, scheduled for
later in 1999, could possibly backfire and destroy the Earth. Full nuclear
collisions by the lab's Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider will start in the
fall, building to the Big Bang. Some physicists believe there is a small
chance that the machine could create new kinds of matter or form
mini-"black holes" and suck in all surrounding matter.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer?
The taste.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
They're hiring.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the
equipment -- the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the
rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a
fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like
this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men
catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the
other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught
cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch
any more!"
He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He is a fine singer, with a marvelous voice and great pitch. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
Men's Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
Women's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd like to have dinner with."
________________________________________________
Actual reference queries reported by American and
Canadian library reference desk workers
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English
language?"
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual
title: "Satanic Verses")
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my
hairdryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought
on National Park Sites?"
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher
Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"
"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth
certificate."
"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of
important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think
I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send
me back to jail for a couple of months."
Blonde Jokes
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are
you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt
all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?"
asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman
touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that
hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe,
"Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her
thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural
blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so,"
said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
_____________________________________________________ Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood
at the counter, one asked the manager, "Before we order, could you
please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we
are, very slowly?" The manager leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrr-gerrrr Kiiiing." "I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said.
"Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that
case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you
are sober." _____________________________________________________
Three women were about to be executed. One brunette, one redhead, and
a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and
the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the
executioner shouted.....Ready... Aim...!! and suddenly the brunette
yelled, "Earthquake!" Everyone was startled and looked around.
She escaped. So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any
last requests. She said no, and the executioner
shouted....Ready...Aim....!! and suddenly the redhead yelled,
"Tornado!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She
escaped. Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought
her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She
said no and the executioner shouted......Ready....Aim...!! and the
blonde yelled.............."Fire!"
_____________________________________________________
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates have died and gone to heaven. As they stand outside the Pearly Gates, Clinton nudges Gore and says, "I never thought I’d get here; I didn’t lead a very good life." Just then, St. Peter strolls up and overhears this. He says, "There is no such thing as hell; we just tell people that so they lead a better life on Earth, but how much you enjoy heaven depends on how you behaved while on Earth."
He leads them through the gates and down a hallway. He says to Al Gore, “You’re in this room.” Gore looks in and sees a hideous looking old woman. He doesn't want to go in, but they shove him in and he hears a booming voice, “Al Gore, you have NOT lived a good life, you are doomed to spend all eternity with this woman.”
They leave him and continue down the hallway. St. Peter says to Bill Clinton, “You’re in this room.” Clinton looks in and sees an even more hideous looking old woman. He hears the booming voice, “Bill Clinton, you have NOT lived a good life, you are doomed to spend all eternity with this woman.” By this time Clinton has fainted, so they drag him into the room and leave him.
Bill Gates is starting to get worried it seems the women are
getting worse as they go further down the hall. St. Peter stops at
the next room and says to Bill Gates, Youre in here. He looks in and
sees Cindy Crawford in a very sexy negligee. Needing no coaxing at
all, he runs into the room. He then hears the booming voice,
"Cindy Crawford, you have NOT lived a good life..."
____________________________________________________
Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, and Ross Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy." Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he chimes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy." ____________________________________________________